Sunday, January 13, 2013
This months prompt for Romantic Friday Writers includes a challenge to move forward in a brand new relationship. This is our (RFW) version of a New Year's resolution.
My NewYear/New love excerpt is 867 words; full critique acceptable in the comments or by e-mail. It is a continuation of a series written solely for RFW prompts. You can read the previous story, or continue just with this excerpt as it should stand alone. Please let me know if it does not.
Decisions
The Perfect Ex
Stuck in the middle (I know I said this was the last in the series; but you know how it is when you're stuck on a concept and don't want to start with a whole new set of characters *sighs*)
* * *
Reyna let
the door to
Immediately she began to question
her resolve to let this "perfect man" go. Hadn't she gushed to
her co-workers about his abilities as a chef? How he showered her with gifts
and cards; showed up unexpectedly to cook a fabulous meal and then snuggle on
the sofa all night and watch a feel-good romance. And afterward, the sex - well
just leave it at awesome.
She moved away from his apartment
door simply because the thought of his love making propelled her to some
energetic motion. He always wanted to sleep after sex, but she wanted to go out
and conquer the universe. She was Superwoman; not naked and vulnerable, but
pristine as a newborn with holistic ideas for organizing her life, her love,
the kitchen cabinets. Jordan 's
love a drug she couldn't live without.
The proof was in the backwards
steps she took to his door just thinking about making love to him.
"No, no," she admonished
herself three steps from his threshold.
She refused to forgive him. Again.
She focused her
attention on forward momentum; not just on the steps that lead away from his
apartment, but on the many more footsteps that carried her into the parking
lot, to her car, and the final step onto the gas pedal that sped her away to
her own home. Godsmack's Love- Hate- Pain filled her radio during the short
drive home and she thought it fitting for her mood.
Opening her own front door, she was
confronted with the aromas of Jordan 's
perfect love. Cordon Bleu, steamed asparagus homemade scallop
potatoes. A beautifully tossed salad. Tapered candles still burned on the
untouched table. Her eyes lighted on the bottle of wine that sat on the end
table next to her favorite chair. Dropping her keys and cell phone in their
designated slots in her purse on the dining table, she made a bee line to her
chair, and the wine.
Screw it, Reyna thought. Get
drunk and forget.
She kicked her slippers into the divider wall between the kitchen/living room and headed for her empty glass. Empty? Oh yeah, she'd drank all
Looking
at her face in the mirror the next morning as she applied her minimal makeup,
Reyna decided she wasn't half bad for 47 year old woman. She didn't need to
cover up unsightly bags under her eyes, she didn't have to pluck unsightly or
embarrassing hairs in unusual spots, she used only a small amount of dye to her
natural brown hair to cover her grey, and while her hips looked like they never
missed a meal, she wasn't far from her 30 year old hour glass figure either.
Reyna conducted her daily
activities with her usual professionalism, forgoing her mid-morning break to
assist a client who couldn't navigate the EDD website. At 12:10 when her
best friend Jackie sidled to Reyna's cubbie and invited her to lunch, Reyna had
put all thoughts of Jordan, his kids, his ex, and his lack
of commitment to Reyna in a dark compartment of her mind. They
strolled up the street to Round Table and each ordered the lunch special.
“So how did the celebration go last night,” Jackie asked.
Reyna finished her mouthful and shook her head. “His
step-daughter Julie called just as we sat down to eat, and he had to rush home
to comfort her.”
Jackie gasped, spitting a bit of Dr Pepper on her lips. “No!
Again.”
“Yep. I’m over it though. Later I went to his apartment to
make him choose; the ex and the kids, or me.”
“Wow,” Jackie said, pushing her fork around her salad. “That’s
a harsh choice.”
Reyna wiped sauce off her mouth, and felt a twinge of guilt.
“I know. But I’m not ready to take on a six year old and a troubled teen. My
kids have all moved away and its time for me to focus on myself. I’ve been
lonely too long to compromise.”
“So what now? Back to the dating sites?”
Reyna laughed and nodded.
“Why not? Jordan
was nearly perfect, I’m not giving up on Mr Right. He’s out there, just a click
away.”
The hour flew by as Reyna and Jackie continued to talk about
what the perfect man would look and act like. Jackie’s tastes in men ran vastly
different than Reyna’s, but by the time she left work, Reyna couldn’t wait to
test out even some of Jackie’s adventurous recommendations.
“Now where did I store my password,” she asked her computer
later, sipping on the last of the champagne to celebrate a new love resolution.
* * *
If you'd like to submit your own interpretation in a flash fiction, non-fiction or poetry excerpt, write your excerpt and then post to the linky below. Remember, you do not have to be a member or follower of RFW to join the monthly blogfest. Thanks for reading mine and offering your comments and/or suggestions.
25 comments:
She knows what she wants and doesn't want. Good piece, Donna. I missed the first one but wasn't lost at all.
I need to start writing more short stories. But when I do, I den up copying and pasting somewhere into my W.I.P.
And here we go again... hopefully she'll find someone who can commit fully, although I have to agree with her buddy, it was a harsh decision to make when kids are involved.
Great story, short but complex!
Mr Ninja sir; what are you doing on the blogs on a Sunday? Thanks coming by.
Steve; sometimes ideas/concepts have a right moment and need to simmer a while :)
I know Charmaine; I almost didn't emphasize it. But love sometimes has selfish needs.
.........dhole
I must admit I always think of ways my short stories (even flash pieces) could be expanded into...novel-length stuff. haha
Nice writing!
Great, tight story, felt a complete unit to me. Reyna's decision abs spot on, a person who can't commit is not going to make a long term relationship, not even a very good short term one :) Much enjoyed the read. And so glad I am not alone on the linky now, thanks :D
Always good to know and never stop trying to find it or him/her, great write.
I approve of the name Jordan. That's just awesome. Your writing, as always, Donna, is frickin' beautiful.
I don't really believe in Mr or Mrs Perfect. We all have flaws and should accept eachother with them. Sometimes romcoms and romantic books give people, especially ladies, bad illusions and they don't see the people around them realistically. But we do love a good dream :)
Hi, Donna,
There is EXCELLENT tension in this excerpt. The flow was spot on and I liked the intrigue. One thing I found odd, was that she had left the candles burning... Even in a rush, most people won't leave with candles burning. Picky, i know... Also I found one or two typos which I will email to you.... NOTHING MAJOR.
I like the spunkiness of your character, and that she won't settle. Good for her. There is just so much baggage a person can handle in a relationship.
Trisha; the shorts are just writing practice, a way to experiment and have fun with new ideas.
Thanks Nilanjana :)
Hi Patt.
LOL, Mike; I bet I stole the name from you :)
Where would we be without our fantasies Dezzy?
Michael Di; thanks for the crit. And you were right about the candles. Sometimes its hard for people to accept kids as "baggage" in my character's eyes. Of course Jordan made the right decision, but so did Reyna :)
.........dhole
Great piece! Love Reyna's personality. (and that she drank his vintage wine!) :D
She reluctantly washed that man out of her hair. Interesting story, interesting character. And she's strong enough to keep looking for what she wants in a relationship. I like stories with strong characters. But here's a thought--what if she had a little more invested with this guy. What if there is something more than his perfection that ties her to him? What then? How difficult would it be to walk away? Oh, and I agree with the comment about the candles. Don't burn the house down. :-)
...loved it, Donna. The name Reyna is heading into my subject name book ;) Makes for a catchy lead.
Good luck to all the entries!
El
Nice Donna. You capture th dilemma's that often happen when you're young and seeking love. I was disappointed that she made him make such a harsh decision. The fact that he chose his kids, is actually testimony to the fact that he's a good man. But, it must be hard to share him. I can understand that. Good writing Donna.
Great to read more of this conflicted relationship, Donna. I somehow don't think it's going to be so easy for Reyna to walk away...there must be something about Jordan that draws her back, maybe in time. He sounds like such a good guy to me--he had to choose his kids or he'd be a jerk. But then Reyna knows what she wants/doesn't want. But she was so distracted, she left the candles burning...so there's hope for Jordan yet.
Love the name Reyna. Jordan sounds too good to be true, she's better off. LOL
Although I can see her deciding that happily ever after is a myth, and maybe an extended affair is really the way to go. Especially with the cooking...
Great story, well told!
PK; always drink the wine, that's my motto :)
Linda; yep, I'll probably expand on those concepts in a sequel.
El: thank you Sir for the visit. I've got my copy of Fallen and hope to post a review soon. I'm a slow reader/reviewer though. Best of luck to you with sales :) And, I totally miss you around the blogs. Kiss your kids and your wife for me.
Myrna: "young and seeking love . ." hmm, I thought I portrayed them as midlife. The "decision" was deliberately harsh to build character for both individuals. Thanks for dropping by :)
Denise: excuse me while I whip out the notebook for continuing ideas :) Yeah, maybe I'll continue along those lines. We think alike for story developement :) Those candles sounded so good writing them in this excerpt, but wow, who know people were so fire conscious :) I've lots of "notes to self" over this segment )
Yolanda: yeah, I'm a fan of a male cook :)Me thinks there is too much of my own real life mood in this writing!
.....dhole
I somehow missed this posting, sorry I am a little late responding. Her one mistake in the relationship is asking him to choose between his priorities (his kids) and their relationship. This will force a man into a wall and make him choose. She should probably just walk away while she has some pride. I got to the end of the story and was sad it ended. :)
This works perfectly as a stand alone piece. The characters are nicely rounded and you get exactly the mix of feelings through the piece. Really well done.
Laura x
Dear Donna,
This story works both as a stand alone story or together with the first part. Here you have very good characterization of the main character, Reyna, who seems to really know what she wants; she a strong woman. But I suspect that she will never find 'Mr. Right'. No one is perfect; there's always a price to pay. Reyna does not seem to be willing to pay the price. I mean, she does not seem to love this man, Jordan. (Love, being something impossible to describe. It is not perfection.) I think that people have to accept the 'whole package'; to love is to love the other person with his or her faults and weaknesses as well.
Just a thought.
Your writing is excellent. You really know how to paint with words; hold the reader's interest and curiosity. I may not always like your characters, but I can never ignore them. They stand out, and are worth being remembered.
Well done!
Best wishes & hugs,
Anna
Cindy: I agree that forcing him to choose between her and the kids is harsh. But, I also like complex characters, and family issues.
Hi Laura :) Nice to see you bobbing around the blogs again.
Anna: "No one is perfect; there's always a price to pay." I like this sentiment. If I continue this I might use it as a plot premise, something for the MC to use as growth. I like starting with unlikable characters and seeing if I can get the reader to at least understand respect character by the end of the story. I love a good challenge :)
.......dhole
I saw a girl's gotta put her foot down, even if the decisions gonna be one that makes life difficult for a while. As we say in Jamaica 'Better must come'.
Joy; I like that Jamaican saying :)
.......dhole
I agree with your other commentators that the story flowed and swept me along. As she is 47 and her kids have flown the nest I can understand why she doesn't want that type of commitment again. Let's hope she finds somebody who is more compatible.
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